GOLF PHRASES - CARE SOME RISQUE COMMENTS HERE!
Golf Laws further down
Golf Poem even further down
David Feherty is a NBC and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind ... (probably always on time delay these days).
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
" I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin." (Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
"That green appears smaller than a Pygmy's nipple".
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker An Eva Braun - Picked up in the bunker
A Douglas Bader - Flies well but hasn’t got the legs.
A Princess Grace - Should've taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel particularly good
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
Blondie - a fair crack down the middle
A Gerry Adams - when you hit a 'provisional'
A Son-in-Law - Not quite up to expectations.
A Robin Cook - Didn’t quite make it up the hill.
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole.
THE LAWS OF GOLF
- If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
- When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
- Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of not at all.
- No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
- If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
- The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
- The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
- If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
- Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
- It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.
- There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
- You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
- Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
- If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
- To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600mph.
- There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
- Hazards attract; fairways repel..
- You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. 30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
- If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ..... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
Almost feel like a hybrid.